Homesickness For Continuity
I’ve never told anyone this, but I am in love with holding on.
The thought of impermanence eviscerates my soul.
Every time I look at my dog, I want to burst into tears, knowing she won’t be with me forever. It seems to follow me like a ghost...or better yet, a demon.
It extends into my own life, knowing that one day, at least in this life, I will cease to exist.
The feeling is too big to explain. It overtakes me like the sun disappearing from earth’s atmosphere.
But then I start to think, I have to have some respect for the mystery of all this.
Or the fact that if there was not loss or change, would any of these things I grasp on to be as beautiful as they are?
Every time I meet someone who feels good to me, I never want to let go.
My desire overtakes me, and I just want to swim in their energy. It just feels so good to connect.
And this is not in the way where I don’t love myself...or my own energy.
This is just in the way where I can value someone else’s beauty just as much as mine. Someone else’s different perspective that helps me grow. Someone else’s light that gives me extra warmth.
Where I can value that everything is impermanent.
This day will end. That person may change. I may change.
I would never not want to allow that. But part of me secretly does...
Part of me secretly wants to freeze these moments of deep love in time.
But isn’t embracing impermanence an act of deep love?
Why is this so hard for me? Why do I feel so angry at it?
The anger builds in my forehead like it has been here for centuries. Like I’ve cried out to the gods to let me live longer. Like I’ve asked them many lifetimes before: “Why have you taken me so early? Why have you taken so much from me? Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like I have to rush to express myself before my time is up?”
That part of me curses the gods!
But then I remember. Deep down this is lifetime is a little different. But still, these thoughts ravage my memory like a virus.
I don’t know how to get it to stop. But the truth is may it never will? Maybe that is when I have to learn the letting go...
Learning to trust the expanded feeling that there is more than this.
That there is infinite time.
That there is always connection to ever person, place, or thing we come across.
That the physical is only one reality of many.
It’s just so funny to think every time I meet someone, I love them a million times over. I never understood why. Now I understood it’s because I’m not meeting them here, I’m remembering them.
For some reason, these thoughts I have still make me want to cry, but it also feels beautiful and vast.
My little human body feels it’s something I just can’t accept, and at the same time my soul already has...
There is a tension, in my body, that I feel creates my anger. My inner rage. And I’m tired of feeling angry. I’m tired of feeling scared. I’m tired of feeling like I am playing a game of control, where there is none. So what is a girl to do?
Maybe instead of letting go, of everything I’m saving, I can hold on to something new.
I can try holding on to the letting go. I can try holding on the expansiveness!
But as I do...it slips through my fingers like sand.
There really is not to hold on to...is there?
I fall. I am falling fast. As the wind whooshes past my ears, I still have no solutions.
My mind cannot come up with the answers to my own mind’s questions.
I know only my heart can. I ask myself: What does my heart think of all this?
My heart feels a flutter of confidence, like a butterfly that is immortal and strong, but still soft.
She tells me I’m going to be OK. She tells me I can fly! She tells me I can’t even imagine how beautiful it is beyond here.
And that it’s beautiful here too. That I can soak in every drop. That I don’t have to judge myself for how I feel. It’s OK to love being here. It’s OK to love people. It’s OK to be vulnerable.
And when things change...and people leave...the warmth of my heart stays.
That love I feel is always here, because I feel it. And new things, new people, new places will always come in that I can love...that there is much around me to always love...and I have to trust that what stays is meant to stay, and what goes is meant to go.
That is a great mystery of life I will never understand as a human. But somehow, in my heart, I do understand.
And my eyes fill with tears, I, finally, have no words left.
Written by: Dana Kippel
This is beautiful Dana! I love everything you said because such is the human condition. Heraclitus said “No man (or woman of course) steps in the same river twice. For it is not the same river and he is not the same man.” Yes, life can slip through your fingers. But if you flow with it, remaining centered, you move as it moves. I saw you on Library of the Untold with Joey and when I heard you were writing a book, I thought maybe you would have a Substack. So I subscribed. Congratulations on your new book! I’ve been into many esoteric subjects for awhile but just got into plasma. I’ll definitely be purchasing it soon. Is there somewhere I can purchase where you get to keep the most profits? I know Amazon isn’t always the best for authors. Hang in there, hang on to the infinite while honoring the precious moments and hard lessons (the journey) along the way. See you around!